Worst of Sinners
(1 Timothy 1:12-17)

There is a psychological projective test called Rorschach inkblot test. This test analyzes a subject’s interpretations of ten standard abstract designs as a measure of emotional and intellectual functioning and integration. The test is considered “projective” because the patient is supposed to project his or her real personality into the inkblot via the interpretation, and for that reason the inkblots are purportedly ambiguous and structureless so that the patient may provide his or her own structure.

There is an old story about a patient who went to see a psychiatrist, and was given this Rorschach inkblot test. The doctor asked the man what the ink blot reminded him of, and the patient said, sex. Then the psychiatrist brought out another ink blot and asked, “What does this remind you of?” Again the man responded, sex. When the psychiatrist brought out the third inkblot, again the same answer came out of his mouth. Then the psychiatrist said, “Do you hear how obsessed you are by sex?” “Doctor,” the man replied, “don’t blame me. They’re your ink blots, not mine.”

Like the patient of the story above, most human beings are natural blame-shifters. When things go wrong, we instantly think of ways to shift blames to others. We are not responsible for our deeds which caused the things wrong, but ascribe them to other people. We can find the classic case of the blame-shift in Adam and Eve, who committed the first sin since the world was created. When Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit and were later found and confronted by God about their disobedience, they instantly found somebody to blame. When God first questioned Adam why he had eaten the forbidden fruit, he answered, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” Here we find Adam blaming his own wife. But he does not stop there; he even attempts to involve God in this process of shifting the blame. So what does he say? He says, “This woman whom ‘you yourself’ gave to be with me, she gave the fruit to me.” After hearing Adam, God now turns toward Eve and asks the same question, “Eve, why did you eat the forbidden fruit?” Her answer follows the same pattern of Adam’s. She says, “God, it is not I but this serpent that is responsible. This serpent tricked me, and I ate.” Here, we can see how dishonestly these first human beings behaved when they were confronted about their sin. Instead of confessing they were wrong, they just shifted the blame to others. Then no wonder we, who are their descendants, equally like to shift blames to others. Whether conscious or unconscious, when something is wrong, we always try to find somebody or something to blame.

When we consider the culture of our time, it seems that there is no longer any sense of shame or guilt or embarrassment. Nobody would take the responsibility for problems. If something is wrong, it is not I or we but others who are to blame. The immoral, the corrupt, the impudent are paraded before us, invited on talk-shows, made rich and famous, and given control of our streets. To live without any sense of shame or embarrassment suggests that one can go through his or her entire lifetime without ever being ashamed of behavior, no matter what transpires. Of course, decent people like us will not agree that we lack a sense of shame or guilt. We say we take the responsibility for what we have done. But to be honest, our sinful nature is so deceptive that even when we acknowledge our sins we point a finger at someone else. We are so good at passing the blame to others that we want to make it sure that it is not I but someone else who is finally to blame.

When we read today’s scripture text, 1 Timothy 1 verses 12 and 17, however, we see a totally different attitude. To our surprise, we see Paul describing himself as “the worst of sinners.” He confessed that even though he was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, he was shown mercy because he acted in ignorance and unbelief. Can it be objectively true that Paul was really the worst of sinners? Probably not! Though he was one of the most efficient persecutors of Christians before he met Christ on the road to Damascus, he was a model citizen in the Jewish society. He was a well-educated, cultured man; he was a devout Pharisee (in a good sense); and he was one of the 70 leaders of the nation. Then how could it be that he was the worst of sinners? What is more surprising to find in this Timothy text is that when Paul uses the expression “the worst of sinners,” he is talking about not only his past life but also his present life as a man of God. What he says in verse 15 is not “I was the worst of sinners,” but “I am the worst of sinners.” Though he is now an apostle of Jesus Christ, he is saying he is still the worst of sinners! To think of this attitude, how different he is from us! As stated above, we try to describe ourselves as nicely as possible; we try to pass the blame to others as often as we can; but this great apostle is blaming himself, saying he is the worst of sinners!

Now a question arises. How then can we understand such a statement of Paul? Is it to be taken as a true statement or a false statement? I believe it is to be taken as a true statement for these two reasons. First, he as a human being is not in a position to compare the seriousness of his sin with that of others. He simply has no capacity to do that; only God can do that correctly and absolutely. Second, as far as sin is concerned, each person is accountable only to God in the proper sense. In other words, if we consciously do harm to somebody, the action becomes sin not because we have agreed to think that way but because God’s commandment of love has forbidden us from doing that. So if we sin, we sin to God only, which means we become sinners not based on the comparison with others but based on our transgression of God’s commandment. This is exactly what the psalmist confesses in Psalm 51:4, “Against you Lord, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight.”

This attitude of seeing one's spiritual life only in the relation to God and being humble before God is the authentic attitude of every healthy regenerate Christian. For saving faith never gives one a sense of superiority or pride, but it only breeds humility and gratitude. Though some people today want to correct Paul’s self-image and restore his self-esteem, he was the perfectly healthy believer here, reflecting the advanced stage of spirituality. It is like getting out of darkness and advancing towards light. When we are in the middle of darkness, we do not recognize how impure we are. We simply believe that we are decent and good. But when we stand in the boundary area between darkness and light, we begin to see, if only vaguely, some impure places inside us. Then as we approach more towards the light, we see more impurities, not because we have come to possess a stronger eyesight, but because the light itself has made our impurities visible to our eyes. That is the same case with our spiritual journey towards God. The nearer we come to him, the more impurities we see, and when we stand most closely to him, we see our imperfections most clearly. So when Paul says that he is the worst of sinners, it has nothing to do with the real objective picture of himself, but it only means that his spirituality reached such a height as to see himself as the worst of sinners.

Now in light of this scripture lesson, I would like to challenge you to honestly look into your hearts. How much impurities do you see in yourselves? Do you compare your sins with other people' and say “I am cleaner than they are, as bad as they are, or worse than they are”? Or do you see yourselves only in relation to God and say “I am the worst of sinners”? God's spirit is always the spirit of humility and the spirit of gratitude, the spirit of humility in the sense that he shows our true, naked self with his all searching light, and the spirit of gratitude in the sense that he cleanses our impurities and then covers us with the righteousness of Jesus Christ. May God bless us abundantly with his grace that we may daily advance towards the light and confess with Paul “I am worst of sinners.” Amen.